Ambivalence

It’s 72 decrees outside today here in Keene, NH. On November 5th. While that might be nice for people, myself included, I can’t completely enjoy it. Even as I’m riding my big wheel with just a long-sleeved t-shirt on, and feeling the sun on my face and the wind in my hair, I am also aware of how fundamentally *wrong* it is. It was never this warm this time of year when I was growing up. Yet there are still so many people with their heads in the sand about global warming.

I went to have a massage today, which was awesome. I know it’s helping me, but it’s another ambivalent experience because I know that being there will involve a great deal of physical and emotional pain. At first it was just physical, but for the last month or so I’ve ended up bawling on the table every time. I store emotion in my muscles, which I imagine is why I need massage in the first place.

That kind of brings me to the last ambivalence. What will it be like for me when I finally become healed from the past? My compatriots in AA tend to be scared of step 5, the one where you have to tell someone else all the screwed up things you did in your life. I have no fear of that whatsoever, because I’m used to defining myself by what’s “wrong” with me. I’m used to people seeing me as crazy, or odd, or other such things. That’s not to say people don’t like me; but I always get the feeling that they like me despite the things that are “wrong” with me, and I’m sure I perpetuate that with my behavior and beliefs about myself.

Me, I’m scared of steps 6 and 7. Asking my higher power to remove my defects of character. Who will I be without my character defects? Not that I believe you get on your knees and ask God to remove your defects and are made into a perfect person – POOF – just like that. I know that isn’t how it works. But I am ambivalent about even asking. I’m ambivalent about giving up my character defects, because without them I feel like I wouldn’t know who I am. Even shifting my paradigm from “I’m a total fuck up who can pass for a semi-normal good person” to “I’m an essentially good person who makes mistakes and has some issues” feels scary.

I don’t even really know what I’m afraid of. Where the ambivalence comes from. I guess change has just always been hard for me. The unfamiliar always feels scary to me. So, because I know that not all change is bad, and because I trust the healing process, I will keep showing up at meetings. Keep showing up at massage sessions no matter how snotty I get. Keep going to breathwork weekends. It could be that the person I become could be both amazing for me and helpful to others. That’d be pretty awesome. 🙂

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